I choose ME!!!!

So I have been thinking about my blog and why I have no readers and others don’t… It used to be depressing as hell. Someone should have left a comment and said CHEER UP! LOL… Anywho originally this was a place to express my heart ache but I am so beyond that now… Ok there will still be occasional love stories and poems but really I need a change. This blog has been a great way for me to express my thoughts and gain clarity… I also have been thinking about my life and personal goals, let me be specific, my superficial goals (I have the others pretty well mapped out) and I want to be thin (I will worry about health later, just being honest) and I want my hair to be the length of a 12inch sew in (roughly a little past bra strap length). So will I make this a hair or weight loss blog? Neither this is a ME blog!!! Besides what would I do with the blog once the journey is complete? LOL So I decided maybe my blog wont have the followers I wish it did, maybe it wont be as funny as “Mama Laughlins” (yall should check this out) or as cool as “Longing for Length” (a great relaxed hair journey blog) but it will be mine and It is whatever I want it to be. (I will be playing around with the template and adding more pictures this weekend though)…However just so you know (in case someone is reading this other than me and LC) the diet and hair thing will come up a lot…

…I might as well post about my epic fail Tuesday night. I took myself to a buffet (well the Mr. took me but you get it)… WHY WHY WHY would I do that? INSANE has to be the only answer. Needless to say I pigged out and then felt bad later. But hey I am not going to dwell on it. I am just being accountable for my actions. So today will be a cleaner eating day… and I may even join WW online. I am ready. It will be hard but I have found friends, and blogs to keep me motivated… Wish me  luck… again LOL

The stranger made me realize it is time for change

Have you ever looked in the mirror and did not recognize the reflection looking back at you? Ok sure it is you because you know a mirror reflects what is in front of it but the reflection was not who you thought you were. I had that moment. Sure those are my eyes, and yes that’s my huge nose but who is this obese woman that is stuffing herself into my clothes? Where did I go… Trust me it is more to it than the weight but lets start there. Today I weigh more than I did when I went into labor seven years ago. What happened? Am I eating everything in sight? Ok enough of that the truth is I’m big the next part is NOW WHAT… It is definitely time for a change…. The other thing that confused me when I looked in the mirror is where I am in life. Clearly I knew I was in my apartment but at almost 30 where is my house?… Yes I have a career and a Master’s degree in the field that I chose but there are people with GEDs that gross more a year than I do (where they doin that at? *in my best hood voice*) On the one hand I am working toward licensure and getting my supervision for free but dam why must I be so poor while I live out my life’s dream. Is this still my dream (ok that was dramatic yes it still my dream) …. NOW WHAT… Lets start with the money- I have enlisted the help of a financial planner and have considered my options for employment and thus far I am on point. There is no more spending money frivolously on things that I do not need, instead I am saving my money. According to what I’ve read you should have 6 months worth of your bills and living expenses in the bank. I definitely do not have that so ummm time to do better…. Also I am back in school so that once I am licensed I will have my niche (working with the criminals and addicts, and surprisingly in the right states at the right jobs I could be doing much better than I am now)… Ok about this fat woman who has eaten the skinny me alive and continued to eat everything else in sight… I have emptied out my cabinets and fridge of all the junk and thunder thighs in a bag that I was shoving in my mouth and will be replacing it (according to my budget) with fruits, lean meats, yougurt, meal replacements, and bagged veggies. Also with the help of my gym membership (YMCA) and pintrest I have enough in home and in gym workouts to start losing weight. I will be adding my before pictures meal plan and workouts as they develop (I also have asked for help on spicing up my blog). Right now I am just winging it based on what I have read and other blogs I have seen. (hey I’m a therapist not a nutritionist or trainer) I do know that there will be NO shortcuts, miracle pills, or lies, but there will be sweat and anger. Yea I said it anger you know why? Because I loooove food and surprisingly enough the food I love the most is the worst for you (potatoes, cake, Burger KING). I just have to ask myself which do I love more the food or the stranger staring at me in the mirror. So here I am naked and surprisingly a bit ashamed. Good thing for me I know that shame can often be the gateway to change (yes I tell my clients that often)….So follow me on my journey to change…. READY, SET, HERE I GO

*smiles, and pulls out a bottle of water*

Relapse... Again

I relapsed on love yet again. It is like I am weak and powerless when it is near. I hear the phone ringing and crave to hear that voice in my ear so I answer. Knowing it will only last a minute and that my ocean no longer quenches his thirst, nut im there cup filled ready to pour. Whatever love wants I’m a slave to fulfill. It’s like the word no is not in my mental dictionary. I must say I was strong in one sense as I didn’t let love ride the wave but I was weak because I allowed love to cover me like a blanket. Still here I am days later asking Why? Because here I am with nothing but love on my mind and it’s gone to shoot his arrow in the next heart. I knew it would be this way when I allowed love in yet again but I’m weak and to be in the arms of love I’d do just about anything…. I can hear Drake’s voices saying “don’t it seem like, like I’m always when there when it matters but missing most of the other times a terrible pattern.” You see this last time I relapsed I was under a lot of stress and love must have sensed it because he came running but my love is a Mr. Wrong, and like I Mary I keep holding on…

I finally get it...

I've been holding on to all this resentment when it finally hit me... he did for me what I would never do for myself. He walked away. Initially it hurt I felt betrayed, abandonded, and a host of other things but I'm slowly realizing it was best. I never would have left him although there is a laundry list of reasons why I should have. Don't misunderstand he was great in most ways yet it seems the ways he fell short were the ones that meant the most to me. With that said walking away seems easy right? Wrong. When your well my heart is involved seeing the clear or easy answer is never in the cards. They say it takes half the time you spend in a relationship to truely get over a person and I believe that because now that time is up and seeing him no longer makes my heart skip a beat, worrying about what he sees when he sees me is no longer on the agenda, and crying because we are apart is a thing of the past...

*deep breath, and a clear eyed smile*

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Tag your It

No matter how old we get it is still the same game, TAG your it. I think I’m playing you while you think you are playing me. It’s funny because really we are both just playing. We run around the playground laughing and smiling I want to be caught and you want to catch me but the game must be played… or must it? As soon as I decide I’m no longer running and I open up to you the game is reversed and you run. Even in reverse the game is still on because I must chase. It seems we are all powerless to the game. *shrug* … So when does it end? When will I ever want to be caught by the guy that’s chasing me and when will he ever want me to stop running at the same time that I decide love is what I want? I am reminded of L. Hill singing “it could all be so simple but you’d rather make it hard”… LOL it’s funny that I always say I want love but do I? Or am I just playing hide and seek like most of the men? At this point I have to start to ask myself IS IT ME?

*smiles at Random unknown # texting Happy Valentine’s Day and replies… now back to work*

Need new memories

Why do I continue to have these thoughts. Memories burned into my mind. The good the bad I see it all. What do I think will change? The fact remains that we see the same situation so differntly that there cannot be a we... I was asked recently do I regret what I did [find the dirt] and without a tear my answ is no. My only regret I that there was something to find. I like to be well informed, and even though I'm now well aware what was hapening I still have thoughts.... thoughts of what if when I know there is no more us... I'm not even sure I want an us anymore. Technically he cheated and then fliped it like I was uber wrong. He still throws it in my face that chicks are trynna be with him....I guess I need to get out make more memories so I can have new thoughts..

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Relapse on love (my own personal brand of heroin)

… Hello my name is Toya and I’m an addict…. Acceptance is the first step well I accept it. I need help. I teach and stress relapse prevention all day. It goes something like this… Triggers, High Risk Situations, Coping Skills, Support Network, Change your thinking…. Yet I cannot do this in my own life. Let’s be clear love is my drug of choice. I seek it out crave it and like my addicts I’m not even sure if I like it. (One client told me “Ms. Carter, I don’t even like getting high I JUST DO IT”) When he said it I couldn’t understand but now I am thinking I do. I mean lets be real I hate dating BUT I want the husband with 2 kids and possibly a dog so dating is like a necessary evil. Can he just not fall out of the sky? The whole process of meeting (which how do you even do that after college) dating, learning about them and their we hope not so dysfunctional family only to fall in love then what be crushed…. Then there is the one… the one who consumes all your thoughts, needs, and embodies what you believe is right for you. He is like my own personal brand of heroin (#twilightquote). I cannot get enough even though I know after the high comes the crash. For me the high seems to outweigh the crash. This is an example of true addict thinking because lets be real there is no way the high can be worth the crash. The high consists of stolen moments and smiles and thoughts that there could possibly be an “us” and it is always short lived because the crash is coming. The crash is like devastating reality. It is a reminder that we will never be consisting of water flows, and water damage. The crash is long lasting and it is harder every time to pull myself back into recovery. Still I chase the high, I need it, want it crave it. I am willing to go out of my way for it. When it is clear that this drug is no good for me…. Im Toya and thank you for allowing me to share….