Webster check

Is my defition off? I say eww he is a bug a boo but could it be that's he is consitent and showing interest? Then I say he must be busy but that could also mean he is with someone else or simply not into me. When will we as women learn such definitons and stop making lame excuses for men who are not worthy? What is wrong with a man that calls? Or that wants to spend time with you? Nothing I suppose. Yet when faced with such a man we are often turned off. Thinking he is to clingy or lame or some other word we label him as. Yet the guy that calls sporadically and sells you a dream is the guy that gives you butterflies and makes your heart skip a beat.... someone pass me a dictionary becase clearly I'm confused....

*grabs dictionary and coffee*

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Daddy's Grown Woman

I often ask myself and others who will save the super hero. Right now that statement is ever more present in my mind. I am a daddy’s girl and he is my word. He has always been my rock, my means of support whether it is financial, emotional or otherwise. Now I feel powerless to help him. My father is a man’s man he is 6’5 and very strong. Yet with his knee blowing out he seems weak like the little boy in a picture I saw of his past. I know it is selfish to think about how this affects me but this blog is about me so deal with it LOL. In thinking of all the things my father has survived he was born in 1950 and for this knee to set him back the way it has is so devastating. He continues to make jokes and tell me things will be ok but will they? My mom usually comes through in a clutch but will she? I have to trust that she will be good to him in his time of need and with any other person in life I would but he is my father and I will admit it. I’m scared. What would he do if he could no longer walk how would that affect his mind? Usually I want to run and cry to my father at a time like this but I know that it will only hurt him. This is a true test of whom I claim to be now "Daddy's grown woman". At one point there was a MR. I could run to but he is no longer so now it’s time for me to man up and put my big girl drawers on and be strong for the man who has always been so strong for me….

Its like a Jungle Sometimes...

So many men and I just want one... I dont really have that many. When I want my phone to ring it never does, when I text they rarely text back so what do I really have? A whole lot of nothing. Trips are nice, but getting a daily phone call takes a signed paper from Obama. Lol. Dates are nice but trying to navigate through them and keep my panties on has become so tiring. Learn my last name before trying to get me in the sheets. What are my goals, fears? It doesn't mater aslong as I let you slide inside. I mean do these people not care about diseases? Geesh you think they would want to be as safe as I would however that worm in the pants seems to overide all. Don't even get me started on the "let's chill" guys. Umm sir the first outing will not be an evening in my home! *side eye*... well here's to thinking my prince is somewhere in a see of frogs! Lol

*cheers*

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BUTTERFLY ME

I guess you guys thought I forgot but I didn't I was just being lazy... today is day 2 of the workout, eat better, remain positive thing! Lol its soooo much easier to remain in a negative space and I refuse to dwell in it... first things first this cutting back on food is very hard for me. I love to eat but since I don't love me without clothes things have to change. Staying positive [something I consistently tell my clients] is not all that bad. It can be difficult at times but finding the silver lining is possible. Trust me I have plenty dark clouds but they will no longer block my sun.... so as I type this my stomach growls lol I'm sure I will be grumpy so stay tuned...

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Bruised but never Beaten

I feel like I'm an alien. This cannot be my life or the family I was meant to be in. I'm not naieve enough to think they are all crazy and I'm the only sane one I'm sure I'm a little extra as well but how is it that I belong to this woman. She is my nemesis, a thorn in my side, a constant speed bump in life... Wait allow me to give you some back story... at 19 I got pregnant [my bad lol] ok so I'm pregnant the sperm says its not his baby, I have no job, and I'm a ful time student. She put me out of the house because I asked my father how long was he moving my computer downstairs [wasn't talking to her the argument blew up I was evicted]. While pregnant she told me "I will kill you and your baby" 5 minutes later denied it. She also told me "you will never get out tof UTC "[I did it twice and now have a Master's, [it took her my entire life to get an associates]. It was so bad at one point my sister[best girl friend] thought I had a step mother... how is it I was born to her. She consistently belittles me telling me I'm worthless, my career is "bull shit, and stupid", something must be wrong with me because I can't keep a man [I'm 26] and I could go on forever. Please beleieve this did no start when I turned 19 those are just the most vivid memories. I mean there I the time I was beat because my older cousin wanted to play doctor [different blog], or the christmas she gave away my toys, oh and I'll never forget being told I should have been prettier because I was such a pretty baby... I just don't understand why she had to be my mom. I used to fantasize about being adopted because my home felt like foster care... so as I sit here in the back seat on this long road trip I wished she would have skipped I'm reminded why I'm so scarred and damaged and it has nothing to do with a man its her, she, the monster, its my mother....

*wipes tear and pretends to be asleep*

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For a second I thought

Our chemistry is banging but I can't date you. You understand me, know why I'm a little extra sometimes, but I can't date you. You make me smile when I really want to cry I go out of my way to brighten your day. I listen you talk and the other way around but I can't.... wait why can't I date you?.... *thinking* oh yea we tried it once before. I couldn't get it right. It was mostly me not you. I wasn't ready for what I thought I wanted. Now I'm older and sure and you... ha your gone. The reason I listen is because your talking about her. I brighten your day when she has let you down. That's my role and we are just friends. Now I remember why I can't date you...

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Itching for Niche

Finding a niche… Sounds easy right? For most people it is, yet I sit here at work struggling with what it is I want to do for real. My field is so broad I have to narrow it down. I believe I am a smart person and can excel at most things I try (athletics not being one of them lol) but the key to longevity is uniqueness. What is unique about me? For so long I have been SUPER SINGLE MOTHER, AND FULL TIME COLLEGE STUDENT. Sounds good right? However now I have the degree and being super single is less appealing everyday so what’s next? I am a therapist (still learning but I’d say I’m good at what at do) but what does that mean? Nothing because every graduation there are hundreds if not thousands of people matriculating with social work degrees (they think they own the helping profession {to an extent they do} and can they are able to do sooo much with their degree) as well as those who like me have a degree in counseling. Competition is steep out here in the helping world. So while I am good at what I do I’m sure some of them will be as well. I need a niche, something to set me apart from others in the long run and not just at my current position. My degree is general so I need a specialty. I need something that I am at least an authority if not an expert in. This is where I draw the blank. So I say ok T what/who do you like or want to do?.... *blank mind*… got one I like the addicts (so does everyone else and with this LADAC license available I have to do better than that too)…*still thinking*... Let’s see eating disorders, adult children of addicts, addicts who have suffered sexual assault, trauma focused work, PTSD, criminology (seems the obvious answer if you have been reading my blog). Whatever I dive into it I want to be sure I am ready to swim in it for a while. I do enjoy working with and helping the criminals but that is a niche I fell into at my current job because of my work in the prison system. Working with criminals can often be less rewarding than working with the addicts is that what I really want? What is it I am truly passionate about and wouldn’t mind studying … I don’t know I guess we will wait and see… Stay tuned

*deep sigh then reaches for chocolate*