Guest Post From Laney!!!

Hello all Im not here but Laney has been so gracious to guest post for me.

NOTE: This is kind of a lengthy post but I'm sorry in advance. I had to vent tho and get this off my chest as we always need to do at times.

I have this amazing friend on facebook. I know her thru a cousin of mine. I am extremely glad that I know this friend because of her strong faith and daily walk she has with the Lord. I wish my faith and strength was as strong as hers. She wrote this and put it on facebook and while reading it I let go of several emotions. I was in tears by the time I got finish reading it that I could barely see to finish. I knew there was a reason I had been brought to her facebook at that exact time. I have been thru so much in the past 8 yrs, or mths and days even. That I was meant to see that right then and there and when I read it and the emotion came thru. I knew that God brought me to it.

So here's what she wrote and it's amazing work I must say that. All the credit goes to Ansley.

So as you read this....and I mean really read this. No tv one, no checking your cell phone when you get a call or a text message or a facebook update, no radio on. Just you, silence and reading this.

I’m sitting at a busy intersection, which way do I turn? So many choices, so many distractions competing for my attention, but only one decision can be made. I can’t make the decision on my own…a quick glance in the rear-view mirror will testify to that…miles of rough & worn roads lie behind me. In frustration, I close my eyes & rest my forehead on the steering wheel. Amongst all the noise, a whisper rings in my ears. I hear the voice again & when I open my eyes, I’m in the backseat & Jesus is at the wheel...“You just sit back & relax, I’ll take it from here.†, he whispers again. I start to cry out, “but I can’t…what if…†. He smiles & calmly places his hand on my heart. “You are mine & I have a plan, just trust me”, he says softly. I sit back in wonder, as I wait for his plan to unfold. (***May my eyes remain fixed on you Jesus & give me the strength to make the right decisions.)

I get to the part where it says "I hear the voice again & when I open my eyes, I’m in the backseat & Jesus is at the wheel...“You just sit back & relax, I’ll take it from here.†, he whispers again. I start to cry out, “but I can’t…what if…†. He smiles & calmly places his hand on my heart. “You are mine & I have a plan, just trust me”, he says softly. I sit back in wonder, as I wait for his plan to unfold. (***May my eyes remain fixed on you Jesus & give me the strength to make the right decisions.)"

I cant even get thru reading that completely before I am crying and tears are running down my face. Because I know that no matter what I go thru, no matter how bad it may seem, no matter if I feel like noone is there to turn to. There always is that one that we can turn to. He's always there. Rain or shine. Day or night. All we have to do is Call on him and he'll answer. He's never late and he's always on time.

Let me give you all a recap of why I blog the way I do at times. Why I may seem happy one day, mad at the world the next, roller coaster of emotions. Which may be why some of you are scared to post comments b/c you're not sure what to say b/c you dont know how I will react to them. Totally understandable. But do know that I'd rather have someone tell me the truth and be bold and honest about it than to lie and keep it from me or sugar coat it even. So if you have something to say. Say it please!

Ok..... I have so much built up anger inside of me and it comes from things that have happened in the past. Like bad relationships. Like for 7 yrs I was abused physically, verbally, mentally, and emotionally. One relationship I was too blind to see that he didnt care about me but what I had in the bank and ended up cleaning me out and getting away with it due to cutting a deal with the investigators. I've had several guys lead me on and play me and use me. But basically the built up anger comes from the 7 yrs I had to put up with a wife beater and I thought I loved this person and thought he loved me and to me at the time I did love him. I loved him and his kid and would do anything and everything I could for them. (Even the last year together when I was out of a job I ended up taking care of his child every day after school and even during holidays she was out so that he wouldnt have to pay day care) Being a house wife was one of them. You might as well have called me the live in maid and baby sitter because that's exactly how I felt at times.

Here's the deal... For 6 yrs I would cook, clean house top to bottom, have the kid fed, bathed, school work done, snack bag and all packed for the next day, both of their clothes laid out for the next day, beds turned down and ready to be slept in for that night, kitchen cleaned, his plate in the microwave b/c he ate at 11 pm, extra plate for work the next day in the fridge, dog taken care of, clothes washed, dried, folded, hung up or put up, and I could go on. and even the last yr i was there and out of work I mowed grass every 2 weeks so that he wouldnt have to. the only things he had to cut was the ditches and there was only 2 of them. I did all of this for him. Note: When I worked I did all of this and paid our phone bills, he paid the rest of the bills in the house. I paid my bills that I had - car, cell phone, car insurance that sort of thang. You'd think a man that had all that and had a woman that did all that and who was like a mother to a child that wasnt even hers. You'd think this man would want to marry her right. Wrong!! He'd been married before and got divorced and had a kid and didnt want anymore kids and I had eventually accepted that b/c I loved him and I loved his daughter.

I had finally taken so much that one night Oct 10, 2011 @ about maybe 10 or so me and him some how got in an argument. which was all the time when he drank heavily. Weird that it was a Monday night (just looked it up) but, since I didnt have a cell phone any longer he didnt let me use his cell phone or the house phone that night to call my parents. Long story short he hit me in the mouth. I ran grabbed the house phone he had unplugged it, had to ran several miles in just socks to the neighbors and wake them up and call my parents. His dad lived a few miles down and I ended up calling his mom and letting her know what was going on. She tried calling him he didnt answer. She called his dad (they are divorced) and his dad went to the trailor and his kid was in the house alone. He had took the vehicle that was mine and his name was on the papers as well but he took it and went and hid it so I wouldnt take it. Even when I had rights to it. So I get a ride back with his dad and I get all my stuff out of the house that I can. Luckily I got it all out and didnt have to make another trip other than dropping the key off. I learned not to take my tv back down there. Well...my parents came and got me and we loaded up my stuff and he better be glad he didnt show up with my dad and bro were there b/c they wanted to kick his tail.

I never heard from him til a mth later. He called b/c I had deleted him and his daughter from facebook. I wasnt with him so why did he need to be on my facebook and why did she. B/c i was constantly getting messages from her saying she missed me, she loved me, when was i coming back to be with her daddy and all that sorta stuff. I couldnt handle it so I deleted them both. he called thanksgiving weekend that thursday night at 11 pm. Luckily I was on the phone with a friend of mine so he beeped in. He was fussing of course and I told him several times not to call the house again b/c my parents were asleep. He knows how my parents are and all and he was 38 at the time and he didnt care if he woke my parents up or not. Luckily my friend stayed on the phone with me til he quit or til I could fix it where he wouldnt call at all. Which took a day but we ended up chatting that night by phone and he was calling b/c of that issue but also b/c he called to say "I'm sorry." (note: this man never said those words ever. maybe like with that time it was he had said it like twice in 7 yrs) Anyways....(this is getting lengthy and I'm sorry) He wanted to get back together. He had an arrangement tho. I live here at my parents during the week and on the weekend he'd come get me and I'd stay with him all weekend. And even threw in there that he'd marry me. I said no. It was too late, that I had had all I could take. I didnt want to take it anymore.

I left one minor detail out. When I had to run on foot, I took a moment and got down on my knees and told God...."God....I get it now. Took me 7 yrs but I finally get it. I'm done. I'm completely done." I told God that night that I was done with that man and that bs he put me thru on and off for 7 yrs. Like my mom says, "I reckon when he hit you, he knocked some sense into ya." That and the fact that I know what would happen or probably happen if I went back and I dont want that. Life is too short to go thru life scared and wondering if you'll ever see your family again.

I am extremely glad that I got down on my knees that night. And that God was there. But what I hadn't realized he was there all along. It just took me asking for him to be there. and to lead and guide me and be there every step of the way. And he was.

Thanks to God, family, and friends and lots of prayers and support I am where I am today. I wouldnt change it any other way. and I wouldnt go back and change those 7 yrs b/c our past makes us who we are today.

So there you have ladies, my story of why I have built up anger. Why my post cant be happy go lucky every day? I'm full of emotion and I dont mind showing it esp during typing. I just type what's on my heart and soul for that day.

So I hope each of you understand and take heed to all of this. Thanks for reading!

Have you had moments where you wondered if God was there or not? If you were by yourself and all alone and didn't know what to do.

I always heard the "I dont believe in hitting a woman." "I dont beat a woman or lay a hand on her." ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS is all I'm going to say.

What's your advice to me about this whole situation and about trusting another guy b/c this guy has scared me shitless of men period. Let alone about all or at least 3 other guys I've dated.

 

~*Night Owler*~