Home

I think I'm ready to go home. Nashville was full of promise. Its a wonderful city on paper. More to do and so rich in culture. Full of universitys and hospitals. It has gyms and the promise of love. But I believe the love affair with the city ended with the move. Once I arrived I realized its crowded and there is always a wait. The city is full of broken promises and unkept dates. It seems my sure thing was just a weekend thing. When I was visitng on the weekend and looking online things wre fantastic love at first sight I was definitely number 1 but now I believe I'm ready to go home. Chattanooga is slic lame and it just recently upgraded the shopping experience but its home. It knows what I need before I open my mouth and just when I'm getting bored here's a party to attend a reason to dress up. They have new attractions and even a new car dealership so its not so bad or is it? I'm sure after I'm home for a while the reasons I left will become very prevelant again. It will be the same old thing the same people the same tourist and I'm sure the same old ish. Guess I'm loking for something new a new place to call home. I'm sure ever city will have its issues but I need a city that will work with me and my needs.. hmmm Atlanta is looking good and in my field I'm sure I can do well.... or maybe its time to hook up with the reds and try texas..... we will see.....

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Laughter instead of Tears

Its funny how you get so used to something you can swear its there. What about when you cry after you finally get what you want that's even funnier. Laughter is supposed to be a cure but is it really a mask that covers pain? Do you ever smile when you really want to cry? I do it all the time. I smile when he doesn't call, when the bills are bigger than the check, when the gas tank and the check card are both on E. I just keep smiling. What makes me laugh the most is all the changes I've made and he cannot do the same. Its hilarious that he believs words are ok as long as there is no action. He says efort is all he asks but where is his effort. Is it with the girl he wants to send his resume, or the girl he thinks is beautiful? Or how about the one that's "pfa" maybe they are getting all my effort. What I find hysterical is that I still tried but today I'm done.

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IS IT TOO MUCH

What's too much? What's not enough? So I'll admit I'm a hopeless romantic I love love nothing is better. So is it wrong to want the fairy tale? I know there won't be a knight in shining armor which is ok with me because I just wanted the guy in the impala. I guess that was asking too much. Ok I'll admit I can be a little needy at times but what person is not especially a woman. I want texts and calls and cards for no reason its the little things that make me happy. However let's not get it twisted I do my part as well but is asking for a show of intrest asking for too much? So when I ask for game night, movie night, date night, us night is that asking too much? Wanting to talk, spend time, and nurture the relationship why does it seem like I'm asking for too much? Is it too much? No its just too much for you. So I'm back at everynight praying to GOD and working on me so when HE is ready I will be ready for the guy who knows its not too much.

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THE ROAD TO MY BUTTERFLY TATTOO

So for me the butterfly I will eventually have tattooed on my body means so much to me. It represents the transformation I have completed. My spiritual growth began in Chatt and now that I'm no longer there I need to find a church home to feed that part of my soul. I've grown as a parent, person, and friend, and come to terms with painful parts of my past. As well as completed my masters degree and found the job I said I've always wanted. The pay sucks but helping others is what I do. The final part is weight loss. No point in having a tattoo that I can't show. So I have roughly 50 pounds to loose. I figure while I'm doing that I can also explore area churches and find a place to call home.... let the journey begin....

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feeling like a non factor

how is number one always feeling like a non muthafucking factor? what does that say about the relationship? how can you be such a good father, friend, brother, uncle, son bruh and suck at being my man [as of late] or is it that recdnt evnts have opened my eyes and ive never been number 1? when your son says see you tomorow you make sudden trips so he will not be upset. a friend says help me move and run to their aide. your brother says he needs you and you go no quesions asked. same with your neieces your mom and lets not even go there with the frat. yet im left alone feeing like i dont matter. how is it you are so busy and im never invited? how can you go a whole day without talking to the one you say you love? bottom line since you dont care i will try everyday not to care too. eventually it will work and this pain will subside but for now i ponder this how do you let go of something that you fough so hard to get back.....

baby momas vs super single mothers

Why is it that women with men who want to be in the child[ren]'s life dont know how to act? It never fails they complain, whine and simply try to make the man miserable when all he wants to do is be a father. They say you dont get your child enough so the guy tries to pick up an extra day and gets grief about the inconveince his last minute text/phonecall/email has caused? Its like what do you want? They say you dont call your child but when the guy calls there is no answer. These women I will admit disgust me to no end. On the other end of the spectrum there are women like myself who get NO help from the man and there is no one to complain to. Every birthday, holiday, pta meeting, school play, soccer game, and playdates we attend alone [and we feel alone has couples and active fathers share in these events]. Dont even get me started on the cost who is paying for aftercare, soccer, ballet, lunch, food, and pictures the super single mother and she does it all alone. While the baby moma gets to split the cost and she complains about that too. She says the guy is never giving enough while others get nothing and give it all. Still the women giving it all do so with a smile squeezing every penny to get maximum effect and never complaining. People really need to learn to appreciate what they have because it could always be worse.

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IT'S FUNNY

Love looks different to everyone. So loving me is set upon the condition of you loving your child? Please note I have never interferred and often disappeared to give him space with his son as he lives out of town. However in giving space that was wrong too because according to him I should want to be around him and his son. Lol cant win for loosing. So now he has decided that he can no longer watch his son walk away so he is moving to be with him and we can no longer be. If we hadnt been long distance for 75% of the relationship I could totally understand this but alas I do not. He says he knows I wont go unless we are married which is part way true I would definitely need to be engaged at the least and he is not ready. We have been dating 2 years and he still doesnt know if I'm the one? Thats a different blog.... So here is the funny part my dream guy with 95% of my list criteria is walking out of my life and I have to let him go. It was nothing I did its him wanting to be a good father in the same city as his son. He is not moving until he gets a job which in this econmoy could take time but still he is leaving me now. He says its better for me to go through this now wether than wait until he moves. Part of the reason I love him is because he is an active father and its that part of him that is making him walk away from me. Freaking hilarious....

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Waiting

Watching
Thinking
Looking
Dreaming
Hoping
Praying
Needing
Most of all I'm waiting.
Waiting for something I know is not gonna happen.
Watching the people outside my window.
Thinking eventually you will walk by.
Looking at others as they pass by and smile.
Dreaming of days and nights gone by when we were happy smiling and loving each other.
Hoping we can get back to how we were until we were not.
A time when nothing else mattered but the love we shared.
Love I knew was unbreakable until it broke.
Praying to God that He takes away the pain
Bring you back if its in His will or at the least take away my longing for you.
Needing you here to see you smile the way you blink or call my name
Hear your voice and look into your eyes.
Yet really I'm just waiting.
Waiting for the closure or the opener of the new chapter.
Waiting until you say yes or no
I will stay or I will go.
Waiting until my heart no longer needs you or you at a minimum need me back.
Sitting here watching
Thinking,
Looking
Dreaming
Hoping
Praying
Needing
Mostly I'm just waiting.

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child support

How do you pay NOTHING then go and have your payments lowered and the court system allow this to hapen? Ha its funny bcause his payments of 88 a week will not be pad just like his payments of 194 a week were not paid... its funny because i pay 95 a week just for after care and lunch. What does 88 cover? My child is 6 and for 6 years we have gotten nothin so how dare the payments be lowered? Children get more expensive with age.... uggghhh.......

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