Music and me feelings...

"Easy" Rascall Flats (duet with Natasha Bedingfield)

We broke upyeah,
it's toughmost guys would've been crushed
Wastin' their time
Wonderin' where they went wrong
No way, not me
Hey, I'm doing just fineI'm not afraid of movin' on

It's easy going out on a Friday night
Easy every time I see her outI can smile, live it up
The way a single guy does
But what she, what she don't knowIs how hard it is to make it look soEasy

[Natasha Bedingfield]
The truth is That I miss lyin' in those arms of his
But I don't ever let it show
I laugh and I act like
I'm having the time of my lifeas far as he knows

It's easy goin' out on a Friday night
Easy, everytime I see him outI can smile, live it up
The way a single girl does
But, what he, what he don't know is how hard it is to make it look so
Easy

Oh, it's easy
Oh, it's easy goin' out on a Friday night
Oh, it's easy every time I see him out
I can smile, live it up
Forget about the way it was
But what she Oh, what he don't know
What she don't know
Is how hard it is to make it look so
EasyLook so easy

Music and My feelings... a series

This one should be self explanatory

Beyonce-I miss you

I thought that things like this get better with time
But I still need you, why is that?
You're the only image in my mind
So I still see you... around

I miss you, like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
Said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same?

Words don't ever seem to come out right
But I still mean them, why is that?
It hurts my pride to tell you how I feel
But I still need to, why is that

I miss you, like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
I said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same?

It don't matter who you are
It's so simple, a feeling
But it's everything
No matter who you loveIt is so simple, a feeling
But it's everything

I miss you, like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
I said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same?

It don't matter who you are
It's so simple, a feeling
But it's everything
No matter who you loveIt is so simple, a feeling
But it's everything

Music in me

So lately I have been hearing songs and reading poems that all seem to make me think of him on some level or another… Since it has been so many I decided to share a few… You know turn it into some type of series or something lol.. Here is the first one. Drake- Take a shot for me…

I can see it in your eyes, you're angryRegret got sh*t on what you're feeling nowMad cause he ain't like meOh you mad cause nobody ever did it like meAll the care I would take, all the love that we madeNow you're trying to find somebody to replace what I gave to youIt's a shame you didn't keep it, Alicia, KatiaI know that you gon' hear this, I'm the manYeah I said it, B*tch I'm the manDon't you forget itThe way you walk, that's meThe way you talk, that's meThe way you've got your hair up, did you forget that's me?And the voice in the speaker right now: that's me that's meAnd the voice in your ear, that's meCan't you see that I made it? Yeah I made itFirst I made you who you are, then I made itAnd you're wasted, with your ladiesYeah I'm the reason that you always getting fadedTake a shot for me...Oh oh ohTake a shot for me...Oh oh ohTake a shot for me...A shot for me...A shot for me
Ok look, I'm honestGirl I can't lie, I miss youYou and the music were the only things that I commit toI never cheated, for the record, back when I was with youBut you believe in everything but me girl, I don't get youShe says I know you changed, I never see youCause you're always busy doing thingsI really wish she had a different way of viewing thingsI think the city that we're from just kinda ruined thingsIt's such a small place, not much to do but talk and listenThe men are jealous and the women all in competitionAnd now your friends telling you stories that you often misinterpretAnd taint all your images of "Mr Perfect"I could tell that you been crying all night, drinking all summerPraying for your happiness, hope that you recover, uhThis is one I know you hated when you heard itAnd it's worse because you know that I deserve itTake a shot for me...Oh oh ohTake a shot for me...Oh oh ohTake a shot for me...A shot for me...A shot for me
[Outro]May your neighbors respect youTrouble neglect you, angels protect youAnd heaven accept you..

Complex and Fairytales

They just don’t make them like they used too… LOL this is a convo I had with co workers earlier. It was so refreshing to hear an older black woman says she was looking for a man like her daddy. I was starting to think it was just me. She stated that her parents have been together like 60 plus years and that her father still gets butterflies when her mom walks into the room. Where are they doing that at? LOL Which brings me to my point.. I have the BEST father in the world and I am daddy’s grown woman! LOL He is my rock. When others have been there and said they wouldn’t leave and eventually did he was always there to pick up the pieces. I love him and he has given me a true definition of what a man should do. So later this same day I was asked if I had the Electra Complex …SIDE NOTE I’m a therapist and it was a therapist who asked this question (he was also who inspired a previous blog itching for a niche)… I of course say no but now I am thinking am I terminally single because no one can meet my standards? As I replay the eligibles in my mind my answer is still no. I don’t want the one who thinks he can buy me, or have me on the side, or only have sex with me, or keep me a secret, or keep me around while searching for better (there is nothing better LOL). I want the real thing I want love. I’m old enough to know that the fairy tale I wanted at 16 is NOT happening but a Shrek like fairytale is still an option right? I don’t want to settle my dad taught me I am better than that. So I guess if that means that I will be single for ever its ok. I’ve done the long term relationship thing a couple times. Had a live in who wouldn’t admit that he lived there. I’ve had one that promised the moon and stars and couldn’t even provide a hello at times so I know what I want and it’s NOT my daddy. (that would be gross on too many levels) I do want a man that has some of the same beliefs as my father though. A man that will love me for me not who he had in the past or thinks I should be. I want someone to love all the pieces of me!

*smiles, and nods*

It may be BETTER to be BE QUIET

As we form an opinion it limits what we tell others… now I’m wondering should we be telling them anything anyway? Think about it… if someone is bitter because they were cheated on do we tell them we are considering taking our cheating ex back? I’m thinking no… My question is should we even be discussing the ideas that we are bouncing around in our minds in the first place? In the end it will be you with the cheater or alone not that person. As a therapist I believe in talking to others. However friends often lack the capacity to be objective. They give advice with passion, and love that they feel for you. That’s why the first thing they tell you when pursuing a career in therapy is that we do not give advice. With this being said why are we so quick to reflect aloud with others when the true reflection needs to begin on the inside (or in the inside of a therapist office :) #shameless plug…..

*just a thought… pulls back up work screen*

Rambling

As I lay here reflefcting and planning my mind is pulled in so many dfferent directions soooo try to stay with me... him, the man I say I'm over. I shrug and say ha ha I'm done with him. I miss him, crave him, and he doesn't care. I miss him everyday and yet I lie and say I'm ok. When does that ish go away? I recognize that it wasn't the healthiest situation and that I deserve better but its him I want.... my friends omg they wear me out too. Its cool because I'm sure I wear them out as well. One friend is lying and being a bitch about money. Granted a couple of her gripes are valid but she is takin things too dam far. Shit get current funds why go after retro? Then there's him...I can't even say because well...eff it I woulnt be me if I didn't... ok him great guy but flawed like the rest of us. You have a small person to raise so stop being a punk and do what you gotta do and be glad she didn't tell her when y'all stopped having sex. I realize that part of the reason she is still spassing out is because real or fake she had hope for the 2 of you and now you are living her dream with someone else.... work omg now they are saying there are no raises [as if my money was funny already] my ends don't meet. Hell at this point I just want them to wave at eachother lol... my dads knee is hurt, my nephew may be beng left home alone, I'm broke, my brother hates me, I'm broke, and I'm stress eating. I've gained 6 pounds in the last week.. dam.... treadmill anyone

*lights candle, sips vodka*

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Webster check

Is my defition off? I say eww he is a bug a boo but could it be that's he is consitent and showing interest? Then I say he must be busy but that could also mean he is with someone else or simply not into me. When will we as women learn such definitons and stop making lame excuses for men who are not worthy? What is wrong with a man that calls? Or that wants to spend time with you? Nothing I suppose. Yet when faced with such a man we are often turned off. Thinking he is to clingy or lame or some other word we label him as. Yet the guy that calls sporadically and sells you a dream is the guy that gives you butterflies and makes your heart skip a beat.... someone pass me a dictionary becase clearly I'm confused....

*grabs dictionary and coffee*

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Daddy's Grown Woman

I often ask myself and others who will save the super hero. Right now that statement is ever more present in my mind. I am a daddy’s girl and he is my word. He has always been my rock, my means of support whether it is financial, emotional or otherwise. Now I feel powerless to help him. My father is a man’s man he is 6’5 and very strong. Yet with his knee blowing out he seems weak like the little boy in a picture I saw of his past. I know it is selfish to think about how this affects me but this blog is about me so deal with it LOL. In thinking of all the things my father has survived he was born in 1950 and for this knee to set him back the way it has is so devastating. He continues to make jokes and tell me things will be ok but will they? My mom usually comes through in a clutch but will she? I have to trust that she will be good to him in his time of need and with any other person in life I would but he is my father and I will admit it. I’m scared. What would he do if he could no longer walk how would that affect his mind? Usually I want to run and cry to my father at a time like this but I know that it will only hurt him. This is a true test of whom I claim to be now "Daddy's grown woman". At one point there was a MR. I could run to but he is no longer so now it’s time for me to man up and put my big girl drawers on and be strong for the man who has always been so strong for me….

Its like a Jungle Sometimes...

So many men and I just want one... I dont really have that many. When I want my phone to ring it never does, when I text they rarely text back so what do I really have? A whole lot of nothing. Trips are nice, but getting a daily phone call takes a signed paper from Obama. Lol. Dates are nice but trying to navigate through them and keep my panties on has become so tiring. Learn my last name before trying to get me in the sheets. What are my goals, fears? It doesn't mater aslong as I let you slide inside. I mean do these people not care about diseases? Geesh you think they would want to be as safe as I would however that worm in the pants seems to overide all. Don't even get me started on the "let's chill" guys. Umm sir the first outing will not be an evening in my home! *side eye*... well here's to thinking my prince is somewhere in a see of frogs! Lol

*cheers*

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BUTTERFLY ME

I guess you guys thought I forgot but I didn't I was just being lazy... today is day 2 of the workout, eat better, remain positive thing! Lol its soooo much easier to remain in a negative space and I refuse to dwell in it... first things first this cutting back on food is very hard for me. I love to eat but since I don't love me without clothes things have to change. Staying positive [something I consistently tell my clients] is not all that bad. It can be difficult at times but finding the silver lining is possible. Trust me I have plenty dark clouds but they will no longer block my sun.... so as I type this my stomach growls lol I'm sure I will be grumpy so stay tuned...

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Bruised but never Beaten

I feel like I'm an alien. This cannot be my life or the family I was meant to be in. I'm not naieve enough to think they are all crazy and I'm the only sane one I'm sure I'm a little extra as well but how is it that I belong to this woman. She is my nemesis, a thorn in my side, a constant speed bump in life... Wait allow me to give you some back story... at 19 I got pregnant [my bad lol] ok so I'm pregnant the sperm says its not his baby, I have no job, and I'm a ful time student. She put me out of the house because I asked my father how long was he moving my computer downstairs [wasn't talking to her the argument blew up I was evicted]. While pregnant she told me "I will kill you and your baby" 5 minutes later denied it. She also told me "you will never get out tof UTC "[I did it twice and now have a Master's, [it took her my entire life to get an associates]. It was so bad at one point my sister[best girl friend] thought I had a step mother... how is it I was born to her. She consistently belittles me telling me I'm worthless, my career is "bull shit, and stupid", something must be wrong with me because I can't keep a man [I'm 26] and I could go on forever. Please beleieve this did no start when I turned 19 those are just the most vivid memories. I mean there I the time I was beat because my older cousin wanted to play doctor [different blog], or the christmas she gave away my toys, oh and I'll never forget being told I should have been prettier because I was such a pretty baby... I just don't understand why she had to be my mom. I used to fantasize about being adopted because my home felt like foster care... so as I sit here in the back seat on this long road trip I wished she would have skipped I'm reminded why I'm so scarred and damaged and it has nothing to do with a man its her, she, the monster, its my mother....

*wipes tear and pretends to be asleep*

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For a second I thought

Our chemistry is banging but I can't date you. You understand me, know why I'm a little extra sometimes, but I can't date you. You make me smile when I really want to cry I go out of my way to brighten your day. I listen you talk and the other way around but I can't.... wait why can't I date you?.... *thinking* oh yea we tried it once before. I couldn't get it right. It was mostly me not you. I wasn't ready for what I thought I wanted. Now I'm older and sure and you... ha your gone. The reason I listen is because your talking about her. I brighten your day when she has let you down. That's my role and we are just friends. Now I remember why I can't date you...

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Itching for Niche

Finding a niche… Sounds easy right? For most people it is, yet I sit here at work struggling with what it is I want to do for real. My field is so broad I have to narrow it down. I believe I am a smart person and can excel at most things I try (athletics not being one of them lol) but the key to longevity is uniqueness. What is unique about me? For so long I have been SUPER SINGLE MOTHER, AND FULL TIME COLLEGE STUDENT. Sounds good right? However now I have the degree and being super single is less appealing everyday so what’s next? I am a therapist (still learning but I’d say I’m good at what at do) but what does that mean? Nothing because every graduation there are hundreds if not thousands of people matriculating with social work degrees (they think they own the helping profession {to an extent they do} and can they are able to do sooo much with their degree) as well as those who like me have a degree in counseling. Competition is steep out here in the helping world. So while I am good at what I do I’m sure some of them will be as well. I need a niche, something to set me apart from others in the long run and not just at my current position. My degree is general so I need a specialty. I need something that I am at least an authority if not an expert in. This is where I draw the blank. So I say ok T what/who do you like or want to do?.... *blank mind*… got one I like the addicts (so does everyone else and with this LADAC license available I have to do better than that too)…*still thinking*... Let’s see eating disorders, adult children of addicts, addicts who have suffered sexual assault, trauma focused work, PTSD, criminology (seems the obvious answer if you have been reading my blog). Whatever I dive into it I want to be sure I am ready to swim in it for a while. I do enjoy working with and helping the criminals but that is a niche I fell into at my current job because of my work in the prison system. Working with criminals can often be less rewarding than working with the addicts is that what I really want? What is it I am truly passionate about and wouldn’t mind studying … I don’t know I guess we will wait and see… Stay tuned

*deep sigh then reaches for chocolate*

THANKFUL FOR THE OLD MISTERS

Beautiful Mistake.... wow I've had a few... ok so lemme back up "beautiful mistake" is the title of a Keri Hilson song. Check it out you've been there I'm sure, but I digress.... Each of my beautiful mistakes have shaped, carved, and formed the woman I am today [who I am happy to be]..so this entry is dedicated to you...

Even though we never talk I owe you the biggest THANK YOU of all. You gave me my reason for breathing, a reason to always be great and the love of my life. Thank you for giving me my daughter. I don't know who or where I would be without her. Without being a single mother [and all the struggles this includes; fnancial, emotional, and occasionally physical] I can't say with certainity that I would be as strong of a woman as I am so to you I'm forever grateful..

... because of you I'm able to listen to my women's intuition and understand the signs that he is cheating, and love myself enough to let go, and I understand that cheating has nothing to do with me [as long as I'm fulfilling my dutites]....

...thanks for teaching me that my heart is big enough for another child, loving me even when I hated you, being my number one fan even when I didn't deserve it, showing me the definition of intamcy, and the many times you saved me financially...

...I appreciate you teaching me how to love when I wasn't sure I knew how, and showing me the many different ways to love...

...much gratitude for you showing me what it is like to date a man with a child and have NO baby mama drama, for being very special and instrumental in my daughter's life, forcing me out of my comfort zone and never alowing me to settle, oh and those naughy tricks [I'm sure my future husband will forever be unknowingly grateful]....

You see at the end of every storm is a beautiful sunshine! I'm sure that because of these men the man that God's sends me will be satisfied and loved. I understand that he will never completely understand me but I will recognize and appreciate the effort. I know that while football is on I don't need to try to talk about my feelings :) I recognize that somtimes he will need to be held, and encouraged. Of course I got the basics cooking and cleaning on lock! Lol I know that his love will not look like my love and he needs me to love him the way he needs to be loved. So thanks guys for being you and preparing me for him..


*smiles, and calls and old friend*

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Watching Madea

As I lay here with my daughter watching yet another madea movie it hits me.. hell no we not over bc of a phone... lemme go back... one day he and I were watching this same move and madea says "if a man cheating ask him for one thing if he give it to you he not cheating" and he instantly handed me his LOCKED phone.... so u hand it to me locked like its all good and then I go through it later and we are done? Lol joke was on me.... I said I wasn't gonna write about the break up anymore but this epiphany deserves and entry. I have been sayin it wasn't the phone and now I have my proof.... so lemme talk to the men if u don want to be comitted then dont its called a choice don't have us women hanging on your every word doing whatever for you and you really don't wanna be there.... ok carry on

"If someone wants to walk out of your life let them go...especially if you have done all you knew to do"- Mabel Simmons AKA Madea..... thanks Tyler Perry! Ha I had to let him go!

*flips hair and smiles*

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Criminal minds

I know its hard when the person you identify with is the bad guy. What does that make me? Good at the job....

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Love's Train

I'm calling you and he's calin me. Its funny how what we want never wants us until we don't want it anymore. He wants to court me and yet I'm waiting for your call. Silly me! Things are always moving and for me the stars never quite line up. It never fails whomever I want is too busy for me until I move foward and trapped by the next. Lol. I'm reminded of that old school song love's train [listen to it I'm sure you've been there before]! It seems I'm always runing too early or too late...
...oh well I will enjoy the chase! Catch me if you can....

"Sugar I really wanna be with you"...

*turns up "Love's Train and sips some wine*

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Damaged No More

I finally understand that on the other side of pain is happiness.Pain is your souls way of healing and tears is its way of getting clean. When something heals usually it is stronger. For me my smile seems brighter, and my laugh is heartier. However I know that it wasn't long ago that my heart and soul were under construction, dirty and damaged. I can remember all the sleepless nights and constant questions of why. When why really doesn't matter because it is what it is! Holding on while you walked away was only hurtng me. You didnt care you were out finding others intriguing. Now I'm able to see you and remeber the good times without craving more. I understand that I deserve more than your part tme love. I smile now because I'm free and my heart and soul are repaired and clean!

*smiles, and throws the last card away*

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Damaged... but so is the rest of the world

It makes me laugh that when I am honest and open you think I am being negative. I say whew my hair is damaged and you say stop it with that word you are so negative… Actually I’m not I am def a cup half full type of girl but I was listening to Danity Kane and noticed how bad my ends were split. This conversation led me to think about other things so here it is…

The world wants things to be happy when sometimes they are not. I know you have had a bad day and then someone says cheer up or it will get better and you think really when? Sometimes you don’t want to be told to cheer up. Often we just need to accept that our situations are F’d up. Hell we are still looking for weapons and oil and the unemployment is skyrocketing why should we sugar coat anything? For just a second lets be very real the world is in a horrible state right now. Think about it…

…7 out of 9 people said “oh we are just playing we did not see him kill anyone” and a man is still put to death. A child is found dead and the mother is on FB partying and all evidence points to her and she is FREE. Gas prices are going up, the Feds were even talking about shutting the government down. Protestors are being locked up… and please do not even get me started on the educational, and legal systems… and yet people still want you to “think positive” or they say “you think to negative” HA the world is negative forgive me for joining in occasionally….

*sips tea, and googles great clips*

The Woman in the Mirror

It is so easy to look at others and find fault or see room for improvement however when it is time to look into the mirror we often shy away. Is it that we are ashamed of what we may find? Why is my dirt any different from anyone’s? It amazes me how we as people can rationalize our own faults and then be so critical of others doing the exact same thing. So now I have wonder have I been a victim of failing to look into the mirror? Honestly, YES!!! I am sure I have failed to pull out the Windex and look at myself. However it is now that I realize my error that the challenge begins. No more will I be offended because you judge me I will judge me. You see at the end of the day I am all that matters to me anyway. I wake up to this body and lay down with it nightly and if I can do so and be happy then that is what matters. Hopefully you feel the same way. STOP worrying about what others who are non factors to your bigger picture think about you. I will no longer accept my crap because it is mine. That is stupid. I have to constantly challenge myself and maintain growth. Complacency kills.

What now?

You ever just felt lost?... you know those people in life who simply excel at one thing or another? Ever feel like that is not you? Well that is how I am feeling today. I know this is not an accurate description of who I am because I am good at most things that I try. However with the loss of this contract I feel like the rug has been swept from under me… Let me give you some back story…

…. Previously I worked in a prison in a substance abuse program. I LOVED it. I did not like the polices and politics surrounding the small town prison but the work I did with the guys (all male prison) and learning about the criminal mind was very enjoyable. (Side note- I am a therapist and I have been in the helping profession in some capacity since I graduated with my Bachelors in 2006) So at my current job I slid into the position of providing after care services to those leaving federal prison and attempting to return to society. These individuals completed the RDAP (Residential Drug Abuse Program) program. RDAP is a 9 month intensive substance abuse program that they complete while in jail. The program also addresses their criminal behavior and mindset. Once they are released they come and see me individually as well as in group for 6 months during the transitional period in their lives. It was my thing I was the BOP lady at work LOL. I handled all their paper work and spoke with the half way house and the head people of their transitional program. As much as I was teaching them they were teaching me. Now today is their last group session….

So back to my feelings… I feel like my niche is gone. Who am I now? (Wait that was a little extra lol… but you understand) There are so many specializations in the helping profession, even teachers have to decide what they will teach and we all have to find what works for us and dealing with criminals is what I do well. True I enjoy my addicts, and the occasional schizophrenic but understanding the criminal mind (and not being bound by steel bars, and jealous CO’s {different blog for a different day}) is my thing. Originally I was all about the VA hospital and I do have a soft spot for my vets but a criminal that wants to change is who I feel I can best help…..

...what about the guys? Where will they go? Who is going to help them? why is that because they have a criminal past their lives are just so carelessly changed? For any other group there would have been adequate notice so that there was time to terminate. Also there would be more information as to what is next for them. They have to continue care but I cannot even say where or when. They will have questions that I am unable to answer and that makes me sad for them...

*DEEEEP sigh, sad face, sips coffee and prepares for the rest of my day*

They do exsist

In less than 7 days you changed my life. Showed me that what I want is actualy out there. When others have said its a myth. I don't enjoy that you have been swept away but to now know that you exsist makes me smile. They say everything happens for a reason and I'm guessing your reason was hope. I now have more hope that he is out there with the qualities I want. I undestand that I don't have to settle. No more settling because I've given hope. Thank you. Occasionally I will reflect on our short time together and smile and since we will never speak again this is my tribute and gratitude to you.... thanks....

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Ok

Looking at your arms knowing they will never hold me again. Listening to you talk while looking deep into your eyes. I know you have moved on. Hearing you say your ok I'm your puppet and repeat it too. Watching you smile casually knowing that smile is no longer for me. Crying inside but outside I smile back. You say you no longer feel guilty and I say I'm ok. Tell me about the fun you are having the girls that want you but you not feeling them. I say I'm ok. Listening waiting for you to tell me you want me too but I'm waiting in vain. You no longer miss me, or feel sad that we are apart. You say how are you and I say I'm ok. I tell you be happy you tell me the same. I watch you leave calm not wanting to stay. I stare at the door tears soaking my face and say I'm ok.

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Choices

The game of life is all about choices. We are taught about consequences and how our actions may effect us for a time to come. Yet we are never prepared for the obvious. Eventually our choices will have adverse recourse on our lives. We will chose the wrong job, city, guy, or girl and the impact it has is long lasting. Never again will you view anything or anyone that reminds you of the bad situation the same. So now due to choices you have to decide what to do. Jump ship because it wasn't what you thought or stick it out and look for the positive? Again its about choices. So what do you do when your choice no longer chooses you?

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Fairy tales and Happy endings

When we are young we want to be princesses! Not for the love or even the prince but for the dresses and fairy godmothers. Then we get a little older and realize that the prince is the catch. He is supposed to save us, break a spell, slay a dragon and make it all better. Then we grow some more and learn that while there are some prince charmings there are a lot of toads. While searching for our prince and navigating the lands of far far away we find heart break ave, lonely lane, and the one who got away. Soon we are women and the prince and fairy godmother loose there appeal. We are now watching soap operas, sitcoms, and reality shows. But what do they all have in common? Love. How many soaps have women trying to keep a man, and on the sitcoms there are great men who work, are loyal and love there women. Let's not even discuss the celebrities searching for love or its cousin lust. Hell even Carrie married Big. So what are women to do? We are bred to believe in love then when we expect it we are to blame, or moving too fast, or putting on the pressure. So what do we do? Settle or wait for the dream?

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No more blaming them its me

Attracted to the wrong men... as I lay here alone I know this has to be the answer. I'm educated have my own and now single. So what else could it be? They say the timing but I'm in prime dating age, my weight: I know overly obese women that are married, I'm a single parent; I know women with 3 baby dadies and 1 husband, my location; I left chatt. So what is it? I'm attracted to the wrong men and the wrong men love me. Guy at the gas station was charismatic but he had a ring, honey in the meat section was gorgeous but his lady was grabbing milk, the tire guy was sweet but only wanted to beat, and the tow truck guy is a whole other blog. As I lay here I can't help but wonder what's wrong with me that attratcs the taken, emotionally unavailable, or emotionally immature? I have even had a gay guy attempt to change teams. What am I doing wrong?

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Home

I think I'm ready to go home. Nashville was full of promise. Its a wonderful city on paper. More to do and so rich in culture. Full of universitys and hospitals. It has gyms and the promise of love. But I believe the love affair with the city ended with the move. Once I arrived I realized its crowded and there is always a wait. The city is full of broken promises and unkept dates. It seems my sure thing was just a weekend thing. When I was visitng on the weekend and looking online things wre fantastic love at first sight I was definitely number 1 but now I believe I'm ready to go home. Chattanooga is slic lame and it just recently upgraded the shopping experience but its home. It knows what I need before I open my mouth and just when I'm getting bored here's a party to attend a reason to dress up. They have new attractions and even a new car dealership so its not so bad or is it? I'm sure after I'm home for a while the reasons I left will become very prevelant again. It will be the same old thing the same people the same tourist and I'm sure the same old ish. Guess I'm loking for something new a new place to call home. I'm sure ever city will have its issues but I need a city that will work with me and my needs.. hmmm Atlanta is looking good and in my field I'm sure I can do well.... or maybe its time to hook up with the reds and try texas..... we will see.....

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Laughter instead of Tears

Its funny how you get so used to something you can swear its there. What about when you cry after you finally get what you want that's even funnier. Laughter is supposed to be a cure but is it really a mask that covers pain? Do you ever smile when you really want to cry? I do it all the time. I smile when he doesn't call, when the bills are bigger than the check, when the gas tank and the check card are both on E. I just keep smiling. What makes me laugh the most is all the changes I've made and he cannot do the same. Its hilarious that he believs words are ok as long as there is no action. He says efort is all he asks but where is his effort. Is it with the girl he wants to send his resume, or the girl he thinks is beautiful? Or how about the one that's "pfa" maybe they are getting all my effort. What I find hysterical is that I still tried but today I'm done.

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IS IT TOO MUCH

What's too much? What's not enough? So I'll admit I'm a hopeless romantic I love love nothing is better. So is it wrong to want the fairy tale? I know there won't be a knight in shining armor which is ok with me because I just wanted the guy in the impala. I guess that was asking too much. Ok I'll admit I can be a little needy at times but what person is not especially a woman. I want texts and calls and cards for no reason its the little things that make me happy. However let's not get it twisted I do my part as well but is asking for a show of intrest asking for too much? So when I ask for game night, movie night, date night, us night is that asking too much? Wanting to talk, spend time, and nurture the relationship why does it seem like I'm asking for too much? Is it too much? No its just too much for you. So I'm back at everynight praying to GOD and working on me so when HE is ready I will be ready for the guy who knows its not too much.

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THE ROAD TO MY BUTTERFLY TATTOO

So for me the butterfly I will eventually have tattooed on my body means so much to me. It represents the transformation I have completed. My spiritual growth began in Chatt and now that I'm no longer there I need to find a church home to feed that part of my soul. I've grown as a parent, person, and friend, and come to terms with painful parts of my past. As well as completed my masters degree and found the job I said I've always wanted. The pay sucks but helping others is what I do. The final part is weight loss. No point in having a tattoo that I can't show. So I have roughly 50 pounds to loose. I figure while I'm doing that I can also explore area churches and find a place to call home.... let the journey begin....

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feeling like a non factor

how is number one always feeling like a non muthafucking factor? what does that say about the relationship? how can you be such a good father, friend, brother, uncle, son bruh and suck at being my man [as of late] or is it that recdnt evnts have opened my eyes and ive never been number 1? when your son says see you tomorow you make sudden trips so he will not be upset. a friend says help me move and run to their aide. your brother says he needs you and you go no quesions asked. same with your neieces your mom and lets not even go there with the frat. yet im left alone feeing like i dont matter. how is it you are so busy and im never invited? how can you go a whole day without talking to the one you say you love? bottom line since you dont care i will try everyday not to care too. eventually it will work and this pain will subside but for now i ponder this how do you let go of something that you fough so hard to get back.....

baby momas vs super single mothers

Why is it that women with men who want to be in the child[ren]'s life dont know how to act? It never fails they complain, whine and simply try to make the man miserable when all he wants to do is be a father. They say you dont get your child enough so the guy tries to pick up an extra day and gets grief about the inconveince his last minute text/phonecall/email has caused? Its like what do you want? They say you dont call your child but when the guy calls there is no answer. These women I will admit disgust me to no end. On the other end of the spectrum there are women like myself who get NO help from the man and there is no one to complain to. Every birthday, holiday, pta meeting, school play, soccer game, and playdates we attend alone [and we feel alone has couples and active fathers share in these events]. Dont even get me started on the cost who is paying for aftercare, soccer, ballet, lunch, food, and pictures the super single mother and she does it all alone. While the baby moma gets to split the cost and she complains about that too. She says the guy is never giving enough while others get nothing and give it all. Still the women giving it all do so with a smile squeezing every penny to get maximum effect and never complaining. People really need to learn to appreciate what they have because it could always be worse.

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IT'S FUNNY

Love looks different to everyone. So loving me is set upon the condition of you loving your child? Please note I have never interferred and often disappeared to give him space with his son as he lives out of town. However in giving space that was wrong too because according to him I should want to be around him and his son. Lol cant win for loosing. So now he has decided that he can no longer watch his son walk away so he is moving to be with him and we can no longer be. If we hadnt been long distance for 75% of the relationship I could totally understand this but alas I do not. He says he knows I wont go unless we are married which is part way true I would definitely need to be engaged at the least and he is not ready. We have been dating 2 years and he still doesnt know if I'm the one? Thats a different blog.... So here is the funny part my dream guy with 95% of my list criteria is walking out of my life and I have to let him go. It was nothing I did its him wanting to be a good father in the same city as his son. He is not moving until he gets a job which in this econmoy could take time but still he is leaving me now. He says its better for me to go through this now wether than wait until he moves. Part of the reason I love him is because he is an active father and its that part of him that is making him walk away from me. Freaking hilarious....

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Waiting

Watching
Thinking
Looking
Dreaming
Hoping
Praying
Needing
Most of all I'm waiting.
Waiting for something I know is not gonna happen.
Watching the people outside my window.
Thinking eventually you will walk by.
Looking at others as they pass by and smile.
Dreaming of days and nights gone by when we were happy smiling and loving each other.
Hoping we can get back to how we were until we were not.
A time when nothing else mattered but the love we shared.
Love I knew was unbreakable until it broke.
Praying to God that He takes away the pain
Bring you back if its in His will or at the least take away my longing for you.
Needing you here to see you smile the way you blink or call my name
Hear your voice and look into your eyes.
Yet really I'm just waiting.
Waiting for the closure or the opener of the new chapter.
Waiting until you say yes or no
I will stay or I will go.
Waiting until my heart no longer needs you or you at a minimum need me back.
Sitting here watching
Thinking,
Looking
Dreaming
Hoping
Praying
Needing
Mostly I'm just waiting.

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child support

How do you pay NOTHING then go and have your payments lowered and the court system allow this to hapen? Ha its funny bcause his payments of 88 a week will not be pad just like his payments of 194 a week were not paid... its funny because i pay 95 a week just for after care and lunch. What does 88 cover? My child is 6 and for 6 years we have gotten nothin so how dare the payments be lowered? Children get more expensive with age.... uggghhh.......

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Waterfalls

I pride myself on not crying but it seems someone has released a waterfall in my head and the water is escaping from my eyes... for women especially its so wierd that the one thing in life thats missing [usually a man] effects how we feel about all the other great things in our life. Petty huh? I think my pain comes from being in limbo you know that awkard place between together and not. Trying to hold on while letting go. It never fails somene is always holding on while the other is letting go. Im holding on and he could care less. So let go right? I wish it was that easy. Two years later and he is still the man that I want. When I see his face I still get butterflies even beneath the waterfall that I refuse to call tears I smile at the thought of him and the memories that are so stubborn and will not leave.

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LET IT BEGIN NOW

So now that I know how this works let me get started.... this is my first time blogging. Ive wanted to do it for quite sometime but never had the time... well hmmm maybe its more like I never knew the site. I need a place to express myself freely. Twitter used to be that place but I'm sure as some may know that gets messy. Not really messy just frustrating. The guy in my life totally dogged me for tweeting then he started and i get sick of seeing him shout out the women friends in his life and not me so that kinda killed it. That and his bruhs playing run tell that....anyway I digress....Before that it was facebook, my mom now has a page so thats a definite NO!!!! Lol... ok moving on from there... I'm a hopeless romantic [that often gets me in trouble], constantly trying to loose weight [stay tuned], a super single mother [working on milf status j/k], a therapist, and I looooove music....hmmm this was very relaxing I like it....and there it is the begining of the blog...

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