Relapse... Again

I relapsed on love yet again. It is like I am weak and powerless when it is near. I hear the phone ringing and crave to hear that voice in my ear so I answer. Knowing it will only last a minute and that my ocean no longer quenches his thirst, nut im there cup filled ready to pour. Whatever love wants I’m a slave to fulfill. It’s like the word no is not in my mental dictionary. I must say I was strong in one sense as I didn’t let love ride the wave but I was weak because I allowed love to cover me like a blanket. Still here I am days later asking Why? Because here I am with nothing but love on my mind and it’s gone to shoot his arrow in the next heart. I knew it would be this way when I allowed love in yet again but I’m weak and to be in the arms of love I’d do just about anything…. I can hear Drake’s voices saying “don’t it seem like, like I’m always when there when it matters but missing most of the other times a terrible pattern.” You see this last time I relapsed I was under a lot of stress and love must have sensed it because he came running but my love is a Mr. Wrong, and like I Mary I keep holding on…

I finally get it...

I've been holding on to all this resentment when it finally hit me... he did for me what I would never do for myself. He walked away. Initially it hurt I felt betrayed, abandonded, and a host of other things but I'm slowly realizing it was best. I never would have left him although there is a laundry list of reasons why I should have. Don't misunderstand he was great in most ways yet it seems the ways he fell short were the ones that meant the most to me. With that said walking away seems easy right? Wrong. When your well my heart is involved seeing the clear or easy answer is never in the cards. They say it takes half the time you spend in a relationship to truely get over a person and I believe that because now that time is up and seeing him no longer makes my heart skip a beat, worrying about what he sees when he sees me is no longer on the agenda, and crying because we are apart is a thing of the past...

*deep breath, and a clear eyed smile*

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Tag your It

No matter how old we get it is still the same game, TAG your it. I think I’m playing you while you think you are playing me. It’s funny because really we are both just playing. We run around the playground laughing and smiling I want to be caught and you want to catch me but the game must be played… or must it? As soon as I decide I’m no longer running and I open up to you the game is reversed and you run. Even in reverse the game is still on because I must chase. It seems we are all powerless to the game. *shrug* … So when does it end? When will I ever want to be caught by the guy that’s chasing me and when will he ever want me to stop running at the same time that I decide love is what I want? I am reminded of L. Hill singing “it could all be so simple but you’d rather make it hard”… LOL it’s funny that I always say I want love but do I? Or am I just playing hide and seek like most of the men? At this point I have to start to ask myself IS IT ME?

*smiles at Random unknown # texting Happy Valentine’s Day and replies… now back to work*

Need new memories

Why do I continue to have these thoughts. Memories burned into my mind. The good the bad I see it all. What do I think will change? The fact remains that we see the same situation so differntly that there cannot be a we... I was asked recently do I regret what I did [find the dirt] and without a tear my answ is no. My only regret I that there was something to find. I like to be well informed, and even though I'm now well aware what was hapening I still have thoughts.... thoughts of what if when I know there is no more us... I'm not even sure I want an us anymore. Technically he cheated and then fliped it like I was uber wrong. He still throws it in my face that chicks are trynna be with him....I guess I need to get out make more memories so I can have new thoughts..

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Relapse on love (my own personal brand of heroin)

… Hello my name is Toya and I’m an addict…. Acceptance is the first step well I accept it. I need help. I teach and stress relapse prevention all day. It goes something like this… Triggers, High Risk Situations, Coping Skills, Support Network, Change your thinking…. Yet I cannot do this in my own life. Let’s be clear love is my drug of choice. I seek it out crave it and like my addicts I’m not even sure if I like it. (One client told me “Ms. Carter, I don’t even like getting high I JUST DO IT”) When he said it I couldn’t understand but now I am thinking I do. I mean lets be real I hate dating BUT I want the husband with 2 kids and possibly a dog so dating is like a necessary evil. Can he just not fall out of the sky? The whole process of meeting (which how do you even do that after college) dating, learning about them and their we hope not so dysfunctional family only to fall in love then what be crushed…. Then there is the one… the one who consumes all your thoughts, needs, and embodies what you believe is right for you. He is like my own personal brand of heroin (#twilightquote). I cannot get enough even though I know after the high comes the crash. For me the high seems to outweigh the crash. This is an example of true addict thinking because lets be real there is no way the high can be worth the crash. The high consists of stolen moments and smiles and thoughts that there could possibly be an “us” and it is always short lived because the crash is coming. The crash is like devastating reality. It is a reminder that we will never be consisting of water flows, and water damage. The crash is long lasting and it is harder every time to pull myself back into recovery. Still I chase the high, I need it, want it crave it. I am willing to go out of my way for it. When it is clear that this drug is no good for me…. Im Toya and thank you for allowing me to share….

Great Expectations… and the let downs that follow…

Wanting more than I can have… or should I say more than they are willing to give. It’s simple people set their boundaries of what they are willing to do whether verbal or with actions. So what do you do with your expectations? You concede, walk away or suffer through miserably. Am I so desperate for male attention that I am willing to concede? HELL NO so that means he has to go. Why is it that men say one thing and do a complete opposite… because we let them. I will be honest I let them. The men in my life use me for one thing or another because I am a giver and I allow and tolerate their behavior. Lets be real this blog is not only about sex its about time, conversation and everything in between. For men it is all in the actions so its time to woman up and bitch slap this negro (and a few others) from my life… I have got to learn that people can only give what they are willing to give and in the end I’m the only one left hurting when I expect more….

Music and me feelings...

"Easy" Rascall Flats (duet with Natasha Bedingfield)

We broke upyeah,
it's toughmost guys would've been crushed
Wastin' their time
Wonderin' where they went wrong
No way, not me
Hey, I'm doing just fineI'm not afraid of movin' on

It's easy going out on a Friday night
Easy every time I see her outI can smile, live it up
The way a single guy does
But what she, what she don't knowIs how hard it is to make it look soEasy

[Natasha Bedingfield]
The truth is That I miss lyin' in those arms of his
But I don't ever let it show
I laugh and I act like
I'm having the time of my lifeas far as he knows

It's easy goin' out on a Friday night
Easy, everytime I see him outI can smile, live it up
The way a single girl does
But, what he, what he don't know is how hard it is to make it look so
Easy

Oh, it's easy
Oh, it's easy goin' out on a Friday night
Oh, it's easy every time I see him out
I can smile, live it up
Forget about the way it was
But what she Oh, what he don't know
What she don't know
Is how hard it is to make it look so
EasyLook so easy