Need new memories

Why do I continue to have these thoughts. Memories burned into my mind. The good the bad I see it all. What do I think will change? The fact remains that we see the same situation so differntly that there cannot be a we... I was asked recently do I regret what I did [find the dirt] and without a tear my answ is no. My only regret I that there was something to find. I like to be well informed, and even though I'm now well aware what was hapening I still have thoughts.... thoughts of what if when I know there is no more us... I'm not even sure I want an us anymore. Technically he cheated and then fliped it like I was uber wrong. He still throws it in my face that chicks are trynna be with him....I guess I need to get out make more memories so I can have new thoughts..

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Relapse on love (my own personal brand of heroin)

… Hello my name is Toya and I’m an addict…. Acceptance is the first step well I accept it. I need help. I teach and stress relapse prevention all day. It goes something like this… Triggers, High Risk Situations, Coping Skills, Support Network, Change your thinking…. Yet I cannot do this in my own life. Let’s be clear love is my drug of choice. I seek it out crave it and like my addicts I’m not even sure if I like it. (One client told me “Ms. Carter, I don’t even like getting high I JUST DO IT”) When he said it I couldn’t understand but now I am thinking I do. I mean lets be real I hate dating BUT I want the husband with 2 kids and possibly a dog so dating is like a necessary evil. Can he just not fall out of the sky? The whole process of meeting (which how do you even do that after college) dating, learning about them and their we hope not so dysfunctional family only to fall in love then what be crushed…. Then there is the one… the one who consumes all your thoughts, needs, and embodies what you believe is right for you. He is like my own personal brand of heroin (#twilightquote). I cannot get enough even though I know after the high comes the crash. For me the high seems to outweigh the crash. This is an example of true addict thinking because lets be real there is no way the high can be worth the crash. The high consists of stolen moments and smiles and thoughts that there could possibly be an “us” and it is always short lived because the crash is coming. The crash is like devastating reality. It is a reminder that we will never be consisting of water flows, and water damage. The crash is long lasting and it is harder every time to pull myself back into recovery. Still I chase the high, I need it, want it crave it. I am willing to go out of my way for it. When it is clear that this drug is no good for me…. Im Toya and thank you for allowing me to share….

Great Expectations… and the let downs that follow…

Wanting more than I can have… or should I say more than they are willing to give. It’s simple people set their boundaries of what they are willing to do whether verbal or with actions. So what do you do with your expectations? You concede, walk away or suffer through miserably. Am I so desperate for male attention that I am willing to concede? HELL NO so that means he has to go. Why is it that men say one thing and do a complete opposite… because we let them. I will be honest I let them. The men in my life use me for one thing or another because I am a giver and I allow and tolerate their behavior. Lets be real this blog is not only about sex its about time, conversation and everything in between. For men it is all in the actions so its time to woman up and bitch slap this negro (and a few others) from my life… I have got to learn that people can only give what they are willing to give and in the end I’m the only one left hurting when I expect more….

Music and me feelings...

"Easy" Rascall Flats (duet with Natasha Bedingfield)

We broke upyeah,
it's toughmost guys would've been crushed
Wastin' their time
Wonderin' where they went wrong
No way, not me
Hey, I'm doing just fineI'm not afraid of movin' on

It's easy going out on a Friday night
Easy every time I see her outI can smile, live it up
The way a single guy does
But what she, what she don't knowIs how hard it is to make it look soEasy

[Natasha Bedingfield]
The truth is That I miss lyin' in those arms of his
But I don't ever let it show
I laugh and I act like
I'm having the time of my lifeas far as he knows

It's easy goin' out on a Friday night
Easy, everytime I see him outI can smile, live it up
The way a single girl does
But, what he, what he don't know is how hard it is to make it look so
Easy

Oh, it's easy
Oh, it's easy goin' out on a Friday night
Oh, it's easy every time I see him out
I can smile, live it up
Forget about the way it was
But what she Oh, what he don't know
What she don't know
Is how hard it is to make it look so
EasyLook so easy

Music and My feelings... a series

This one should be self explanatory

Beyonce-I miss you

I thought that things like this get better with time
But I still need you, why is that?
You're the only image in my mind
So I still see you... around

I miss you, like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
Said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same?

Words don't ever seem to come out right
But I still mean them, why is that?
It hurts my pride to tell you how I feel
But I still need to, why is that

I miss you, like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
I said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same?

It don't matter who you are
It's so simple, a feeling
But it's everything
No matter who you loveIt is so simple, a feeling
But it's everything

I miss you, like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
I said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same?

It don't matter who you are
It's so simple, a feeling
But it's everything
No matter who you loveIt is so simple, a feeling
But it's everything

Music in me

So lately I have been hearing songs and reading poems that all seem to make me think of him on some level or another… Since it has been so many I decided to share a few… You know turn it into some type of series or something lol.. Here is the first one. Drake- Take a shot for me…

I can see it in your eyes, you're angryRegret got sh*t on what you're feeling nowMad cause he ain't like meOh you mad cause nobody ever did it like meAll the care I would take, all the love that we madeNow you're trying to find somebody to replace what I gave to youIt's a shame you didn't keep it, Alicia, KatiaI know that you gon' hear this, I'm the manYeah I said it, B*tch I'm the manDon't you forget itThe way you walk, that's meThe way you talk, that's meThe way you've got your hair up, did you forget that's me?And the voice in the speaker right now: that's me that's meAnd the voice in your ear, that's meCan't you see that I made it? Yeah I made itFirst I made you who you are, then I made itAnd you're wasted, with your ladiesYeah I'm the reason that you always getting fadedTake a shot for me...Oh oh ohTake a shot for me...Oh oh ohTake a shot for me...A shot for me...A shot for me
Ok look, I'm honestGirl I can't lie, I miss youYou and the music were the only things that I commit toI never cheated, for the record, back when I was with youBut you believe in everything but me girl, I don't get youShe says I know you changed, I never see youCause you're always busy doing thingsI really wish she had a different way of viewing thingsI think the city that we're from just kinda ruined thingsIt's such a small place, not much to do but talk and listenThe men are jealous and the women all in competitionAnd now your friends telling you stories that you often misinterpretAnd taint all your images of "Mr Perfect"I could tell that you been crying all night, drinking all summerPraying for your happiness, hope that you recover, uhThis is one I know you hated when you heard itAnd it's worse because you know that I deserve itTake a shot for me...Oh oh ohTake a shot for me...Oh oh ohTake a shot for me...A shot for me...A shot for me
[Outro]May your neighbors respect youTrouble neglect you, angels protect youAnd heaven accept you..

Complex and Fairytales

They just don’t make them like they used too… LOL this is a convo I had with co workers earlier. It was so refreshing to hear an older black woman says she was looking for a man like her daddy. I was starting to think it was just me. She stated that her parents have been together like 60 plus years and that her father still gets butterflies when her mom walks into the room. Where are they doing that at? LOL Which brings me to my point.. I have the BEST father in the world and I am daddy’s grown woman! LOL He is my rock. When others have been there and said they wouldn’t leave and eventually did he was always there to pick up the pieces. I love him and he has given me a true definition of what a man should do. So later this same day I was asked if I had the Electra Complex …SIDE NOTE I’m a therapist and it was a therapist who asked this question (he was also who inspired a previous blog itching for a niche)… I of course say no but now I am thinking am I terminally single because no one can meet my standards? As I replay the eligibles in my mind my answer is still no. I don’t want the one who thinks he can buy me, or have me on the side, or only have sex with me, or keep me a secret, or keep me around while searching for better (there is nothing better LOL). I want the real thing I want love. I’m old enough to know that the fairy tale I wanted at 16 is NOT happening but a Shrek like fairytale is still an option right? I don’t want to settle my dad taught me I am better than that. So I guess if that means that I will be single for ever its ok. I’ve done the long term relationship thing a couple times. Had a live in who wouldn’t admit that he lived there. I’ve had one that promised the moon and stars and couldn’t even provide a hello at times so I know what I want and it’s NOT my daddy. (that would be gross on too many levels) I do want a man that has some of the same beliefs as my father though. A man that will love me for me not who he had in the past or thinks I should be. I want someone to love all the pieces of me!

*smiles, and nods*