Bruised but never Beaten

I feel like I'm an alien. This cannot be my life or the family I was meant to be in. I'm not naieve enough to think they are all crazy and I'm the only sane one I'm sure I'm a little extra as well but how is it that I belong to this woman. She is my nemesis, a thorn in my side, a constant speed bump in life... Wait allow me to give you some back story... at 19 I got pregnant [my bad lol] ok so I'm pregnant the sperm says its not his baby, I have no job, and I'm a ful time student. She put me out of the house because I asked my father how long was he moving my computer downstairs [wasn't talking to her the argument blew up I was evicted]. While pregnant she told me "I will kill you and your baby" 5 minutes later denied it. She also told me "you will never get out tof UTC "[I did it twice and now have a Master's, [it took her my entire life to get an associates]. It was so bad at one point my sister[best girl friend] thought I had a step mother... how is it I was born to her. She consistently belittles me telling me I'm worthless, my career is "bull shit, and stupid", something must be wrong with me because I can't keep a man [I'm 26] and I could go on forever. Please beleieve this did no start when I turned 19 those are just the most vivid memories. I mean there I the time I was beat because my older cousin wanted to play doctor [different blog], or the christmas she gave away my toys, oh and I'll never forget being told I should have been prettier because I was such a pretty baby... I just don't understand why she had to be my mom. I used to fantasize about being adopted because my home felt like foster care... so as I sit here in the back seat on this long road trip I wished she would have skipped I'm reminded why I'm so scarred and damaged and it has nothing to do with a man its her, she, the monster, its my mother....

*wipes tear and pretends to be asleep*

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For a second I thought

Our chemistry is banging but I can't date you. You understand me, know why I'm a little extra sometimes, but I can't date you. You make me smile when I really want to cry I go out of my way to brighten your day. I listen you talk and the other way around but I can't.... wait why can't I date you?.... *thinking* oh yea we tried it once before. I couldn't get it right. It was mostly me not you. I wasn't ready for what I thought I wanted. Now I'm older and sure and you... ha your gone. The reason I listen is because your talking about her. I brighten your day when she has let you down. That's my role and we are just friends. Now I remember why I can't date you...

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Itching for Niche

Finding a niche… Sounds easy right? For most people it is, yet I sit here at work struggling with what it is I want to do for real. My field is so broad I have to narrow it down. I believe I am a smart person and can excel at most things I try (athletics not being one of them lol) but the key to longevity is uniqueness. What is unique about me? For so long I have been SUPER SINGLE MOTHER, AND FULL TIME COLLEGE STUDENT. Sounds good right? However now I have the degree and being super single is less appealing everyday so what’s next? I am a therapist (still learning but I’d say I’m good at what at do) but what does that mean? Nothing because every graduation there are hundreds if not thousands of people matriculating with social work degrees (they think they own the helping profession {to an extent they do} and can they are able to do sooo much with their degree) as well as those who like me have a degree in counseling. Competition is steep out here in the helping world. So while I am good at what I do I’m sure some of them will be as well. I need a niche, something to set me apart from others in the long run and not just at my current position. My degree is general so I need a specialty. I need something that I am at least an authority if not an expert in. This is where I draw the blank. So I say ok T what/who do you like or want to do?.... *blank mind*… got one I like the addicts (so does everyone else and with this LADAC license available I have to do better than that too)…*still thinking*... Let’s see eating disorders, adult children of addicts, addicts who have suffered sexual assault, trauma focused work, PTSD, criminology (seems the obvious answer if you have been reading my blog). Whatever I dive into it I want to be sure I am ready to swim in it for a while. I do enjoy working with and helping the criminals but that is a niche I fell into at my current job because of my work in the prison system. Working with criminals can often be less rewarding than working with the addicts is that what I really want? What is it I am truly passionate about and wouldn’t mind studying … I don’t know I guess we will wait and see… Stay tuned

*deep sigh then reaches for chocolate*

THANKFUL FOR THE OLD MISTERS

Beautiful Mistake.... wow I've had a few... ok so lemme back up "beautiful mistake" is the title of a Keri Hilson song. Check it out you've been there I'm sure, but I digress.... Each of my beautiful mistakes have shaped, carved, and formed the woman I am today [who I am happy to be]..so this entry is dedicated to you...

Even though we never talk I owe you the biggest THANK YOU of all. You gave me my reason for breathing, a reason to always be great and the love of my life. Thank you for giving me my daughter. I don't know who or where I would be without her. Without being a single mother [and all the struggles this includes; fnancial, emotional, and occasionally physical] I can't say with certainity that I would be as strong of a woman as I am so to you I'm forever grateful..

... because of you I'm able to listen to my women's intuition and understand the signs that he is cheating, and love myself enough to let go, and I understand that cheating has nothing to do with me [as long as I'm fulfilling my dutites]....

...thanks for teaching me that my heart is big enough for another child, loving me even when I hated you, being my number one fan even when I didn't deserve it, showing me the definition of intamcy, and the many times you saved me financially...

...I appreciate you teaching me how to love when I wasn't sure I knew how, and showing me the many different ways to love...

...much gratitude for you showing me what it is like to date a man with a child and have NO baby mama drama, for being very special and instrumental in my daughter's life, forcing me out of my comfort zone and never alowing me to settle, oh and those naughy tricks [I'm sure my future husband will forever be unknowingly grateful]....

You see at the end of every storm is a beautiful sunshine! I'm sure that because of these men the man that God's sends me will be satisfied and loved. I understand that he will never completely understand me but I will recognize and appreciate the effort. I know that while football is on I don't need to try to talk about my feelings :) I recognize that somtimes he will need to be held, and encouraged. Of course I got the basics cooking and cleaning on lock! Lol I know that his love will not look like my love and he needs me to love him the way he needs to be loved. So thanks guys for being you and preparing me for him..


*smiles, and calls and old friend*

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Watching Madea

As I lay here with my daughter watching yet another madea movie it hits me.. hell no we not over bc of a phone... lemme go back... one day he and I were watching this same move and madea says "if a man cheating ask him for one thing if he give it to you he not cheating" and he instantly handed me his LOCKED phone.... so u hand it to me locked like its all good and then I go through it later and we are done? Lol joke was on me.... I said I wasn't gonna write about the break up anymore but this epiphany deserves and entry. I have been sayin it wasn't the phone and now I have my proof.... so lemme talk to the men if u don want to be comitted then dont its called a choice don't have us women hanging on your every word doing whatever for you and you really don't wanna be there.... ok carry on

"If someone wants to walk out of your life let them go...especially if you have done all you knew to do"- Mabel Simmons AKA Madea..... thanks Tyler Perry! Ha I had to let him go!

*flips hair and smiles*

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Criminal minds

I know its hard when the person you identify with is the bad guy. What does that make me? Good at the job....

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Love's Train

I'm calling you and he's calin me. Its funny how what we want never wants us until we don't want it anymore. He wants to court me and yet I'm waiting for your call. Silly me! Things are always moving and for me the stars never quite line up. It never fails whomever I want is too busy for me until I move foward and trapped by the next. Lol. I'm reminded of that old school song love's train [listen to it I'm sure you've been there before]! It seems I'm always runing too early or too late...
...oh well I will enjoy the chase! Catch me if you can....

"Sugar I really wanna be with you"...

*turns up "Love's Train and sips some wine*

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Damaged No More

I finally understand that on the other side of pain is happiness.Pain is your souls way of healing and tears is its way of getting clean. When something heals usually it is stronger. For me my smile seems brighter, and my laugh is heartier. However I know that it wasn't long ago that my heart and soul were under construction, dirty and damaged. I can remember all the sleepless nights and constant questions of why. When why really doesn't matter because it is what it is! Holding on while you walked away was only hurtng me. You didnt care you were out finding others intriguing. Now I'm able to see you and remeber the good times without craving more. I understand that I deserve more than your part tme love. I smile now because I'm free and my heart and soul are repaired and clean!

*smiles, and throws the last card away*

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Damaged... but so is the rest of the world

It makes me laugh that when I am honest and open you think I am being negative. I say whew my hair is damaged and you say stop it with that word you are so negative… Actually I’m not I am def a cup half full type of girl but I was listening to Danity Kane and noticed how bad my ends were split. This conversation led me to think about other things so here it is…

The world wants things to be happy when sometimes they are not. I know you have had a bad day and then someone says cheer up or it will get better and you think really when? Sometimes you don’t want to be told to cheer up. Often we just need to accept that our situations are F’d up. Hell we are still looking for weapons and oil and the unemployment is skyrocketing why should we sugar coat anything? For just a second lets be very real the world is in a horrible state right now. Think about it…

…7 out of 9 people said “oh we are just playing we did not see him kill anyone” and a man is still put to death. A child is found dead and the mother is on FB partying and all evidence points to her and she is FREE. Gas prices are going up, the Feds were even talking about shutting the government down. Protestors are being locked up… and please do not even get me started on the educational, and legal systems… and yet people still want you to “think positive” or they say “you think to negative” HA the world is negative forgive me for joining in occasionally….

*sips tea, and googles great clips*

The Woman in the Mirror

It is so easy to look at others and find fault or see room for improvement however when it is time to look into the mirror we often shy away. Is it that we are ashamed of what we may find? Why is my dirt any different from anyone’s? It amazes me how we as people can rationalize our own faults and then be so critical of others doing the exact same thing. So now I have wonder have I been a victim of failing to look into the mirror? Honestly, YES!!! I am sure I have failed to pull out the Windex and look at myself. However it is now that I realize my error that the challenge begins. No more will I be offended because you judge me I will judge me. You see at the end of the day I am all that matters to me anyway. I wake up to this body and lay down with it nightly and if I can do so and be happy then that is what matters. Hopefully you feel the same way. STOP worrying about what others who are non factors to your bigger picture think about you. I will no longer accept my crap because it is mine. That is stupid. I have to constantly challenge myself and maintain growth. Complacency kills.